I am 3 days into a 4 day holiday and I am tired. The first two days were very productive and I got to spend time with James. James is now at a conference so I have two whole days just me. Two whole days just me and the writing. But, I need a break. I realised this yesterday when I started rewriting the beginning of chapter 21 and gave up. I haven’t even bothered scribbling it out or tearing away the page just yet. I am waiting until I really need that satisfaction. So, I ignored it this morning and wrote Harry’s thank you cards instead, I ignored it when I got home and sorted out money instead, my brain thoroughly enjoying messing around with numbers until it all got too depressing, and I didn’t ignore it when I went out for a drink just now. I got it out of my bag and stared at it. Then, I put it away again.
Isn’t it ridiculous – I finally have two whole days where I can crack on with it undisturbed and all I really want, all I really need, is a holiday? I shouldn’t be surprised. The past couple of months have been full on busy, full on stressful, up to the point where I get to sleep and even then I don’t get to sleep because Harry has been sleeping badly. My time off came just in time. Tears at work always signify the desperate need for a holiday. Yet, I’m on day 3 and I just feel so tense still. And I know it is because I am still trying to get my writing done at the same time as trying to tell myself that putting it aside for a few days will not hurt.
When I think about it, I’m not much further on from my last post. I managed to get through the blip of part 3 and am really happy with what I have done, but it took longer than I thought and I had to work it around so many other things that I was really losing the motivation. I was so relieved to finish, so happy to start on part 4. Exhilarated to finish the first two chapters of part 4 with something I had not even considered, but which makes the chapter so much better for it. And now I am onto the third chapter and I’ve hit a blip again. I blame hay fever, I’ve decided. It makes me so sleepy and hurts my eyes so that I cannot focus.
The thing is, on paper, I am still on target to get through the rewrites by mid-July. In reality, I am still on target to do this too BUT that is only if I use all the time I have allocated for writing. And I am forcing myself too hard and I need a break. I am at the stage now where I just want it finished, where I want to move onto the next stage – people reading it, writing my synopsis, querying. The idiot I am, I always get myself more down when I’m already feeling down. I always decide to read writing magazines when I’m struggling with my own writing. Bad idea. Today, I went into Waterstones and stared longingly at all these beautiful published books. And flicked through the Writer’s and Artist’s yearbook. Seriously, what makes me do it?!
Crazy really as I am obviously in a writing mood. I’m just not writing what I want to write or need to write. I don’t know. Maybe I am, in a way. During this month and a bit of no blog posts I managed to hit my one year anniversary on WordPress. I seriously had no idea it had been that long. It certainly hasn’t felt it. It doesn’t feel like I have achieved anything with this blog. Oh, maybe I don’t have to achieve anything with it, but it would be nice to have a purpose, to know what I want from this blog and what it wants from me. To begin with, it was just posts about the random things I’m interested in but over time it has become more and more about my writing. I think that is a good thing. I like that I am tracking my progress, all my ‘hazar!’ moments, my ups and downs. I know I’ll like it even more when I get to the ‘I’ve done it!’ entries. And I know I will do it. I love this book, the story, the potential of it. It is the idea that has been with me for almost 8 years now and it has grown and developed and found a life of its own. Every chapter I rewrite I feel like my writing is improving and developing with it. I’m over half way now and when I look at it now compared to my NaNo 2012 draft (let alone my NaNo 2005 draft!) I am so proud of myself. I have come too far to just screw it up and burn it. In the bad times, I thought about it sometimes but I can never see myself going through with it. And it always makes me keep going.
I feel like every post I write is a new start sometimes. I keep telling myself I will do better, do more of this, less of that, give myself all these goals and timeframes, but it doesn’t last long until I am updating them again and again. I suppose all that matters is I am doing it and I will get there in my own time.